Grandad

My Grandad is very ill, terminally ill in fact. Just typing that is difficult for me as it seems to make it more real. Seeing the word there on the screen.

He has smoked since he was 10 years old and for as long as I can remember has enjoyed a daily glass or three of whisky and so it is probably not surprising that he succumbed to cancer. It has been very quick to take hold too, in a little over two years he has gone from a relatively able-bodied man to his current helpless, bedridden state. The cancer has attacked his stomach and throat and following an operation in the Summer he now has to have all food and drink fed to him through a tube directly into his stomach. He cannot stand or walk and is entirely dependent on nursing staff and family members for everything.

My family all live abroad and I have therefore only seen Grandad three times this year, in February, May and October. At each visit, his condition had worsened and most markedly so in October. This week he has deteriorated further and at an alarming pace. I feel helpless at such a distance but visiting is not practical and I have already said my goodbyes in October. This seems cold and hard and part of me wants to rush out to see him and my family but my practical side, the side that always wins tells me there is nothing I can do and to wait. Instead I have Today packed up a parcel of Christmas presents to send by courier to my family. Inside are CDs of his favourite music which I really hope he will get to hear. Deep down I think I know that he wont. Packing this parcel and writing and sealing his card was heartbreaking.

I don't know how to end this post. I can't find the words to explain how I am feeling and seem to slip in and out of sharing the festive spirit all around me, the joy of colleagues leaving for the holidays and my Puppy greeting me when I return from work to overwhelming sadness. It's hard to accept that as awful as one persons existence may have become the rest of the world continues. Life goes on regardless. I realise that this happens somewhere in the world, every second of every day but its not until it effects you that this fact hits home.

I don't pray but you are in my thoughts Grandad, I love you.

"The big wheel keeps on turning
On a simple line day by day
The earth spins on its axis
One man struggles while another relaxes"

- Horace Andy