I don't really know why I took a test that night. I was only a couple of days late but had no real reason to suspect I was pregnant. It was a sixth sense I guess. So I took the test and watched in shock and disbelief as the blue line appeared in the little window. We had been trying for a baby a few months earlier but with the stress of the end of 2009 had sort of put those plans on hold...famous last words! I wandered into the lounge, test in hand and told my other half that I had some news. It was one of those moments that I wish I had been paying better attention to at the time because I only have a blurry memory of my thoughts and feelings or of my husband's reaction. I remember it as being a positive moment but not as it happens in the movies, the happiness was mixed with feelings of shock and a 'oh fuck, what next?' sensation. As soon as it was humanly possible (it's amazing how hard it is to pee when you want to!), I took another test and of course the bloody thing malfunctioned! So i waited until the next day when I took another couple of tests. Both were positive. I was 3 x 99.9% pregnant.
So what next? I was desperate to tell someone but at the same time aware that it was early days and quite liked having such an important secret. Over the next couple of days I told my closest friends and also my Parents. I booked an appointment with my GP and carried on as normal. Actually, I was really shocked that I kept forgetting I was pregnant and didn't feel any different. Oh how things would change.
The appointment with the GP was a non event. I'm not sure what I expected but other than talking me through the next step of seeing a midwife, she didn't test me or even ask me many questions. I guess I wanted confirmation that it wasn't all in my head!
Morning Sickness
I can't remember exactly when the morning sickness started but by the end of January, when we went away for a weekend in Cambridgeshire it had really taken hold. Morning sickness is a bit of a misnomer. While it did hit me most mornings it also often lasted all day or could give me a morning off before striking in the afternoon. Morning sickness is really debilitating and without wanting to sound dramatic, one of the worst feelings I have experienced. At the beginning of February it hit me really badly and I was unable to eat for almost a week. At a time when I was trying to do what was best for my baby (you are told that your first trimester is the most crucial) I felt that my body was letting me down and I fail to understand this element of pregnancy. I guess it is a reaction to the massive changes my body was going through at the time but while I tried to rationalise it it also left me feeling depressed and if I was somehow failing my baby. This was not how I expected to feel in early pregnancy.
Even now, 17 weeks in, I am still suffering from nausea. It has undoubtedly improved from what it was like in February and March but I still get really bad days and not a day goes past when I don't feel sick. This is somehow not as awful as it sounds. I have got used to the feeling and accepted it as part of the process. It has now been joined by weird aches and pains which my midwife and the reams of literature she has provided me with, reassure me as being 'normal'. I certainly no longer forget i am pregnant.
The Scan
Other than the constant sickness, February and March are a bit of a blur. i told a few more people as it became difficult to hide my sickness from those in my office and those closest to me. The next date that sticks out in my mind is 11 March 2010, the date of my first ultrasound scan. I had been looking forward to the scan for weeks but on the day itself I was really nervous. I hadn't expected this. I am not particularly bothered about seeing doctors or going to hospital. I had an irrational fear that they were going to turn around and tell me that there was nothing inside me and that my pregnancy was all in my head. They tell you to have a 'comfortable' bladder when you go for your scan. In other words, not too empty and not too full. Now when you are nervous this is not an easy thing to achieve. You also have to take an early morning urine sample with you. So on 11 March I was aware that I needed to pee enough for a sample and then drink enough so that my bladder was half full. Of course, all I wanted to do all morning was pee! This was compounded by the fact that the hospital were also running late and I had to wait 30 minutes past my appointment time.
I guess the fact that I remember this in so much detail is that what happened that morning (I mean what happened in the scan room not the pee saga!) amounts to one of the most incredible and memorable moments of my life. it feels like hyperbole to use these words but I can't find another way to express how I felt when I saw our baby on the screen for the first time. The image below really doesn't do it justice. It doesn't capture the incredibly feeling when you see just how advanced a foetus is at 12 weeks and just how much the little monkey was moving around inside of me (no wonder I had been so sick). Somehow from this image and the fact that the baby measured 7.5cm in length they were able to tell me that I was 12-13 weeks gone and had a due date of 16 September. I was definitely pregnant!
