Nunc est vivendum

A Year of Change

2010-04-12T19:51:00.012+01:00

On 14 January 2010 my life changed forever. I discovered I was pregnant.

I don't really know why I took a test that night. I was only a couple of days late but had no real reason to suspect I was pregnant. It was a sixth sense I guess. So I took the test and watched in shock and disbelief as the blue line appeared in the little window. We had been trying for a baby a few months earlier but with the stress of the end of 2009 had sort of put those plans on hold...famous last words! I wandered into the lounge, test in hand and told my other half that I had some news. It was one of those moments that I wish I had been paying better attention to at the time because I only have a blurry memory of my thoughts and feelings or of my husband's reaction. I remember it as being a positive moment but not as it happens in the movies, the happiness was mixed with feelings of shock and a 'oh fuck, what next?' sensation. As soon as it was humanly possible (it's amazing how hard it is to pee when you want to!), I took another test and of course the bloody thing malfunctioned! So i waited until the next day when I took another couple of tests. Both were positive. I was 3 x 99.9% pregnant.

So what next? I was desperate to tell someone but at the same time aware that it was early days and quite liked having such an important secret. Over the next couple of days I told my closest friends and also my Parents. I booked an appointment with my GP and carried on as normal. Actually, I was really shocked that I kept forgetting I was pregnant and didn't feel any different. Oh how things would change.

The appointment with the GP was a non event. I'm not sure what I expected but other than talking me through the next step of seeing a midwife, she didn't test me or even ask me many questions. I guess I wanted confirmation that it wasn't all in my head!

Morning Sickness
I can't remember exactly when the morning sickness started but by the end of January, when we went away for a weekend in Cambridgeshire it had really taken hold. Morning sickness is a bit of a misnomer. While it did hit me most mornings it also often lasted all day or could give me a morning off before striking in the afternoon. Morning sickness is really debilitating and without wanting to sound dramatic, one of the worst feelings I have experienced. At the beginning of February it hit me really badly and I was unable to eat for almost a week. At a time when I was trying to do what was best for my baby (you are told that your first trimester is the most crucial) I felt that my body was letting me down and I fail to understand this element of pregnancy. I guess it is a reaction to the massive changes my body was going through at the time but while I tried to rationalise it it also left me feeling depressed and if I was somehow failing my baby. This was not how I expected to feel in early pregnancy.

Even now, 17 weeks in, I am still suffering from nausea. It has undoubtedly improved from what it was like in February and March but I still get really bad days and not a day goes past when I don't feel sick. This is somehow not as awful as it sounds. I have got used to the feeling and accepted it as part of the process. It has now been joined by weird aches and pains which my midwife and the reams of literature she has provided me with, reassure me as being 'normal'. I certainly no longer forget i am pregnant.

The Scan
Other than the constant sickness, February and March are a bit of a blur. i told a few more people as it became difficult to hide my sickness from those in my office and those closest to me. The next date that sticks out in my mind is 11 March 2010, the date of my first ultrasound scan. I had been looking forward to the scan for weeks but on the day itself I was really nervous. I hadn't expected this. I am not particularly bothered about seeing doctors or going to hospital. I had an irrational fear that they were going to turn around and tell me that there was nothing inside me and that my pregnancy was all in my head. They tell you to have a 'comfortable' bladder when you go for your scan. In other words, not too empty and not too full. Now when you are nervous this is not an easy thing to achieve. You also have to take an early morning urine sample with you. So on 11 March I was aware that I needed to pee enough for a sample and then drink enough so that my bladder was half full. Of course, all I wanted to do all morning was pee! This was compounded by the fact that the hospital were also running late and I had to wait 30 minutes past my appointment time.

I guess the fact that I remember this in so much detail is that what happened that morning (I mean what happened in the scan room not the pee saga!) amounts to one of the most incredible and memorable moments of my life. it feels like hyperbole to use these words but I can't find another way to express how I felt when I saw our baby on the screen for the first time. The image below really doesn't do it justice. It doesn't capture the incredibly feeling when you see just how advanced a foetus is at 12 weeks and just how much the little monkey was moving around inside of me (no wonder I had been so sick). Somehow from this image and the fact that the baby measured 7.5cm in length they were able to tell me that I was 12-13 weeks gone and had a due date of 16 September. I was definitely pregnant!

Blog Fail

2010-03-09T21:28:00.002Z

Bloody hell, I haven't stopped by here in such a long time and after promising to do better and everything. Actually, I do kinda have an excuse and it is a good one. I'll be able to explain more soon I hope. Ooh get me being all cryptic eh?

In the meantime can I ask you all to spare a thought for my poor Dad who is back in hospital again (second time in a month :( ) and as he is so far away this is quite tough for me to deal with. I spoke to him tonight and his spirits are really low...so if you could all channel positive vibes, that would be fab. While you are at it my Father-in-law is also in need of your thoughts as he is going in for a major op next week. 2010 was meant to be a better year and as you can see has so far not delivered on that promise. However I am determined that things will improve and also that I'll record its progress on here.

21 January

2010-01-21T22:56:00.003Z

Well I managed to say no today. Someone tried to take the piss and I wasn't having it. This is a big step forward and gives me hope. So I should be feeling good this evening but for some reason I've just had a good cry instead. I'm feeling desperately lonely tonight and have never missed my family more. So a mixed day, from middle of the night epiphany to minor victory to emotional wreck. One would hope tomorrow can only be better.

Turning Point

2010-01-21T01:48:00.003Z

I've realised tonight that I'm probably making a huge fool of myself, completely failing the promise I made to myself to stop being mug and, worst of all, not concentrating on what really matters. I'm being distracted by things/people that are really unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
So I've made a promise to myself that it will stop. I'm going to work on my priorities and everything else can fuck off because if I was hit by the proverbial bus tomorrow they wouldn't give a rat's arse.

New Year

2010-01-16T11:01:00.007Z

Hello and Happy New Year. I have been neglecting this of late but those who know me will hopefully agree that I've had a lot going on and will excuse the silence.

2009 was a mixed year for me but I was pretty pleased to see the back of it. So pleased in fact that I was in bed by 10pm on NYE. However, looking ahead to 2010 I think it is going to be a good year. In fact, I have decided that come what may, it is going to be a fab year. My resolutions for the year were as follows:

1. Eat more healthily and drink less.
2. Get more exercise
3. Stop allowing myself to be treated like a mug

So far 1 and 2 haven't been going as well as planned but not a total failure either. I did fall off the wagon last week and hit the gin/whisky but I have now hauled myself back on and intend to stay there. Food-wise I have been up to my old trick of forgetting to eat for hours and then stuffing something unhealthy into my gob but I hope to do better from now on. Hell, I even ate breakfast this morning (marmite and peanut butter on toast as advocated by @lardychap from Twitter - try it , it is surprisingly good and an excellent hangover cure) The exercise thing has been a bit better, mainly due to walking Hudson and the snow forcing me to walk to work etc. Optimus Prime (Treadmill - see pic) has also been restored to his position (he was folded up over Crimbo to allow ten people to fit into our front room) and I plan to recommence training this week. Will let you know how that goes but hubby has already recommenced running in his undercrackers (!)

On no 3, I had a bit of a blip at the end of last week when I felt that certain people in one area of my life were taking the piss but I think that has been addressed now. I have spoken up for myself and things are looking a little better. Again, watch this space.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T21:30:00.002Z

Very short post to wish all of my readers a very Merry Christmas. I hope you all have a fabulous day.

Lisa xx

Avatar

2009-12-20T12:58:00.007Z

I don't know what I expected from Avatar. I have heard and read many positive reviews and people seem to enjoy it so we thought we'd give it a go.

I don't usually go to the cinema with any more expectation than to be entertained and taken elsewhere for a couple of hours and Avatar did not disappoint in this respect. Despite being a little long (running time of around 2.5 hours and a finish time of 1.30am for us!) I was thoroughly entertained and found the world of Pandora to be both beautiful and enchanting.

This is the first film I have seen in 3D at the cinema. I have never really been attracted by 3D before and only bothered this time as I kept reading that Avatar 'had to be seen in 3D', but if I am honest I don't think 3D is truly necessary. Granted, I didn't see on IMAX, but I doubt the film would be any less visually spectacular in standard view and get the feeling that the 3D was a bit of a distraction which added very little to my enjoyment and left me with a nagging headache behind the eyes. The film's special effects are amazing and the imagery and concept of Pandora and its inhabitants and wildlife are stunning and I don't believe they would be any less so in standard view.

The film's story is formulaic and reminiscent to me of both the Matrix and Aliens. I have also heard the comparison to Dances with Wolves and this is also not entirely unwarranted, although a Dances with Wolves with a lot less depth of plot and characterisation. You can guess at the end game of Avatar from an early juncture and the characters in the film are somewhat weak and never properly developed. I therefore found myself not really caring about what happened to them. Sigourney Weaver's character is utterly superfluous and even the central character of paraplegic Jake, who rediscovers the joy of walking and running through the mechanism of his avatar (a concept that much more could have been made of), is sadly one dimensional. However this meant that I could forget about the plot and enjoy Cameron's visual feast.

I did find myself thinking about the film in terms of our treatment of our own planet and as a metaphor for the issues currently being discussed in Copenhagen and man's lack of respect for the Earth and inability to recognise the beauty around us whilst striving for apparent 'improvements'. However, I am not sure if this was Cameron's intent or my own desire to find deeper meaning.

In summary, I can't help but feel that the time and expense spent on the 3D could have been better used to develop the story and script but that said, the star of the show is the beauty and depth of Pandora and this alone is worth the entrance fee. If you can, go see, especially on the big screen, and in 3D if you wish. Whatever you choose. Go and enjoy.

My verdict 4/5 stars ****

Follow Friday

2009-12-18T14:28:00.003Z

Thanks to @rickharwood for creating this for me this week. I am really touched, especially as it suggests he may have been reading this blog (and I thought it was just me that did that!)

Grandad

2009-12-17T20:44:00.008Z

My Grandad is very ill, terminally ill in fact. Just typing that is difficult for me as it seems to make it more real. Seeing the word there on the screen.

He has smoked since he was 10 years old and for as long as I can remember has enjoyed a daily glass or three of whisky and so it is probably not surprising that he succumbed to cancer. It has been very quick to take hold too, in a little over two years he has gone from a relatively able-bodied man to his current helpless, bedridden state. The cancer has attacked his stomach and throat and following an operation in the Summer he now has to have all food and drink fed to him through a tube directly into his stomach. He cannot stand or walk and is entirely dependent on nursing staff and family members for everything.

My family all live abroad and I have therefore only seen Grandad three times this year, in February, May and October. At each visit, his condition had worsened and most markedly so in October. This week he has deteriorated further and at an alarming pace. I feel helpless at such a distance but visiting is not practical and I have already said my goodbyes in October. This seems cold and hard and part of me wants to rush out to see him and my family but my practical side, the side that always wins tells me there is nothing I can do and to wait. Instead I have Today packed up a parcel of Christmas presents to send by courier to my family. Inside are CDs of his favourite music which I really hope he will get to hear. Deep down I think I know that he wont. Packing this parcel and writing and sealing his card was heartbreaking.

I don't know how to end this post. I can't find the words to explain how I am feeling and seem to slip in and out of sharing the festive spirit all around me, the joy of colleagues leaving for the holidays and my Puppy greeting me when I return from work to overwhelming sadness. It's hard to accept that as awful as one persons existence may have become the rest of the world continues. Life goes on regardless. I realise that this happens somewhere in the world, every second of every day but its not until it effects you that this fact hits home.

I don't pray but you are in my thoughts Grandad, I love you.

"The big wheel keeps on turning
On a simple line day by day
The earth spins on its axis
One man struggles while another relaxes"

- Horace Andy

An Apology...to my Liver and others.

2009-12-06T16:13:00.010Z

Last night I got a bit drunk. And when I say a bit, I mean quite a lot. 2 Leffes, 3/4 of a bottle of single malt and 4(ish) large tequilas drunk. There is a rather embarrassing video of part of the evening, video that I fully intend to destroy as soon as I can get my hands on a certain person's mobile, and also a few self-taken photos. I don't intend to share these with you. Partly because I haven't worked out how to do that here, but mostly because I don't want to lose you so soon. If you follow me on twitter you may have been witness to my drunkenness in the form of stupid tweets and lots of swear words (sorry). Anyway, I have no wish to relive the evening with you now. Suffice to say I am a silly drunk, very giggly and prone to do stupid things (I have in the past taken a cat into the shower and also made prank calls involving butternut squashes and a well known supermarket - but not on the same night, I do have my limits).

Anyway, the point of this post, is not to tell you about the evening but rather about the aftermath as miraculously there was no hangover and to give thanks for this. I fully expected to pay heavily this morning and be forced to spend the day in my jammies feeling sorry for myself. However, I was awake early (firstly at about 7.30am) and out of bed in time for the Andrew Marr Show. Not that I actually make a point of watching the Andrew Marr Show I just seem to end up in front of it every Sunday and have slowly worked out that the producers bank on their audience being blearly eyed and lacking in concentration (go on I dare you to watch it when fully alert, it's wishy-washy tosh). There was a slight headache and a mouth that felt like it was full of sand but nothing that a cuppa and toast with marmite and peanut butter couldn't sort out. Yes I eat marmite and peanut butter together on toast, what of it?! Don't knock it til you try it (but equally don't come complaining to me when you do! No, really it is nice.) So... to get back to the point, what I want to know is when and how I have developed the ability to drink like that and not suffer the following day? What I would have given for this when I was a student, particularly one memorable morning following my Graduation Ball. Does this happen to us all at a certain age or was I just lucky?

Perhaps my body decided I needed a break? Knowing my body like I do, I have to say this is highly unlikely. If there is a way to make me suffer, then my body usually gives it a go, just for the craic as they say. But perhaps, due to my current frame of mind, it decided that a hangover would be punishment too much. So I want to thank my body, in particular, my liver and let it know how much I appreciate the gesture. Tomorrow, I will recommence the mountain training regime (1 hour at least on the treadmill is hereby PROMISED) and I will eat healthily and avoid alcohol. This is how I will repay my liver.

And, more importantly, to those who had to endure me yesterday, both pre and during the drunkenness, I apologise if I cause offence in any way. I know I have upset at least one person, someone really special, and I am truly very sorry. I hope they can forgive me.

A Bad Day

2009-12-05T19:32:00.005Z

Have you felt like a spectator to your own life? Lately I have. I have been acting in a way that I don't understand and experiencing feelings that I can't fully explain and the part of me that's living it probably has less of a clue than the part of me watching. I think I have also been a bit of a nightmare to know as I seem to spend a lot of time withdrawn from myself and therefore also from others. However, I am quite good at hiding this and pretending that everything is ok. I can be laughing and joking to the outside world while feeling like curling into a ball and crying on the inside. Deep down I know the cause of a lot of this and I know I am over-reacting, being melodramatic and probably just need a good kick up the arse. The biggest issue I have with myself is that I seem to hurt the people I care about the most and for this I am truly sorry. The feeling of detachment leads me to doubt myself and others around me and therefore to say and do things that I don't mean. Today, I have been having a bad day. One of those when I really shouldn't have bothered with the getting up and getting dressed business, let alone communicating or mixing with others. If you have had the misfortune to come into contact with me today, please excuse my mood and my miserable face and to those I have upset today, I am sorry.

The Mountain

2009-12-02T22:33:00.000Z

I dreaded turning 30. I see it as a proper grown-up age. In your thirties you can't afford to keep putting off the having kids thing and you are also expected to have a career and be responsible and stuff. The scariest part was that I don't really know where my twenties went; one minute I was a 20-year-old undergraduate at university with no clue about council tax, mortgages, life insurance and all that shit and the next I was turning 30, married with a challenging yet stressful job, a three-bed semi and two cats. I don't regret any of this and am very happy with where my life has taken me. I am lucky to have a stable and mostly fulfilling job, a loving husband and lovely home but I am alarmed at how quickly the years passed. I am also alarmed at just how 'normal' and 'conventional' I am. I have done what society wants me to do, and while this is no bad thing I feel I need to challenge this in my thirties. So I have decided that my next decade will be more challenging, less conventional, less what 'society' might expect. I am going to stop doing what's wanted of me just to please others. Start thinking a bit more about what I REALLY want from life.

So, what have I done about this so far? (I turned 30 in April so have had 6 months of thirties) Well, I have only gone and signed up to climb a mountain; a Himalayan Mountain; a BLOODY big mountain. A 6476m mountain. Exciting and challenging yes but also very, VERY scary! This mountain expedition will take place in Spring 2011 and so gives me the kick up the arse I need to get into shape and to do something truly life-changing and memorable. The trip will also bring together a team of strangers who have met through Twitter and will lead to new friendships with people all across the globe. I am scaring myself with this as it is going to be HUGE and the fear of failure is immense but this is what I need to do. In fact, it is what we all need to do. No, not climb in the Himalayas, (we dont want to turn it into the next Benididorm) but we need to challenge ourselves and set huge targets. We need to fill our lives with exciting stuff and not get to the end of a decade wondering where the hell it went.

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe"

Anna Nallick, Breathe (2 AM)

Hello and welcome

2009-12-02T12:24:00.000Z

Not entirely sure why I have started this. Mostly I think as an outlet in which to vent and record my thoughts and feelings so that I might be able to understand myself a little better. I recently 'accidentally' wrote a blog type thingy for someone on twitter and it has sparked by blog interest once more. So here I am.

What do I do now?

Do I state my intentions?

Weeeelllll, I can't promise I'll be a regular poster, nor that it'll be particularly fascinating but it WILL be random and it will probably range from angry, to silly with a little sentimentality thrown in along the way. I'll be amazed if anyone reads me anyway! So as it's just me reading: GET YOUR LAZY ARSE OFF THE SOFA AND GO FOR THAT RUN!!